Cast of Characters:

STAGEHAND
NARRATOR
ELSIE
HANS
BARTENDER
WIFE
OLD WOMAN
MAN
MOON MAGE

The Stage Hand wrestles with the curtain as she tries to open it to begin the show. As the curtain opens you see a small wooden bar with four stools and a cheerful bartender behind the bar with his wife and daughter at his side.

The Stage Hand sighs and then notices the audience.

The Stage Hand recites:
Oh. Hello there and welcome to the Tavern Troupe’s production of Ale from the Cellar.

​The Stage Hand smiles.

​The Stage Hand recites:

Rest you, our friends, from braiding your vines,

And open your ears to our Narrator’s lines,

And hear you a story that never grows old,

Of lovers and sillies, of good ale and gold,

For it is our passion, all troupers true joy,

For your entertainment our muses employ,

To raise up your spirits, and maybe a laugh,

And if we succeed for our Narrator clap!

The Stage Hand smiles and then moves off stage.

The Narrator walks onto the stage and walks to the front corner of the stage.

The Narrator curtsies.

​The Narrator chants:

Once upon a time there was a bartender and his wife.

They had a daughter named Elsie who was the joy of their life.

Now Elsie wasn’t pretty, and Elsie couldn’t cook.

But Elsie was clever, she had once read a book.

Elsie gives a playful wink as she points at the single book that rests on the mantle above the fireplace.

​The Narrator chants:
And then one day a man walked into their bar.

This man had traveled long, he had traveled far.

He was on a mission and he couldn’t tarry.

He was looking for a smart girl that he could marry.

​Hans strides onto the stage with a purposeful gleam in his eye. He marches up to the bartender straight away and announces…

Hans recites:

Thank you very much, I have had a long ride.

If Elsie is clever she can be my bride.

​The Narrator chants:
Hans explained how he’d come so far,

As he and the bartender sat at the bar.

They sent Elsie to the cellar to get some ale,

As they sang some songs and he told his tale.

The Bartender recites:
Fetch the ale from the cellar and don’t be long!

I need a drink before I sing another song.

​The Stage Hand drags a large keg out and places it on the side of the stage.

The Stage Hand recites:

Who keeps Ale in a cellar? It belongs on the bar!

​The Stage Hand walks off stage shaking her head.

​The Narrator chants:
So down went Elsie,

To the cellar with a jug,

To fetch more ale,

To fill her father’s mug.

​Elsie hums softly to herself as she happily trots down the stairs at her father’s request.

​The Narrator chants:

She put the jug on the floor and turned on the tap,

Then sat down to wait with her hands on her lap.

She noticed a hatchet on the very top shelf.

Now Elsie was clever, so she said to herself.

​Elsie recites:

If Hans and I marry, and we have a little son,

Who fetches ale from the cellar when the jug is done,

And the hatchet falls down and hits him on the head,

Heavens, what a fate, to be struck down dead!

​Elsie gasps in horror as she gazes out into the audience, big fat tears start to roll down her face.

​The Narrator chants:
She wept and she wailed and she hollered and she cried,

To think her imaginary son had died.

She wept while the ale continued to pour,

Filling up the jug that stood on the floor.

The Narrator chants:

Upstairs in the tavern they sang their song.

They wondered to themselves what was taking so long.

The bartender sent his wife to see what she could see.

She saw Elsie sobbing, and the ale flowing free.

The Wife stands at the bottom of the stairs, hands on her hips, as she stares at her sobbing daughter.

The Wife recites:

What is the matter?

What happened to our ale?

Are you ill dear daughter?

You look so pale!

The Wife frets.

​Elsie dabs her eyes with the corner of her skirt.

​Elsie recites:

Just think! If Hans and I marry, and we have a little son,

Who fetches ale from the cellar when the jug is done,

And the hatchet falls down and hits him on the head,

Heavens what a fate to be struck down dead!

The Narrator chants:
The two wept and wailed and they hollered and they cried,

Both of them imagining a son had died.

They wept while the ale continued to pour,

Spilling from the jug that stood on the floor.

The Narrator chants:

Upstairs in the tavern the men sang their song.

They wondered to themselves what was taking so long.

So the bartender went down to see what he could see.

He saw them both sobbing and the ale flowing free.

​The Bartender recites:
What is the matter?

What happened to our ale?

Why do you both sit there,

While you cry and wail?

The Wife sniffles.

​The Wife recites:

If Hans and Elsie marry, and they have a little son,

Who fetches ale from the cellar when the jug is done,

And the hatchet falls down and hits him on the head,

Heavens what a fate to be struck down dead!

The Wife sobs.

​The Narrator chants:
They wept and they wailed and they hollered and they cried,

All three of them imagining a son had died.

They wept while the ale continued to pour,

Spilling from the jug and flooding the floor.

The Narrator chants:

Upstairs at the bar Hans sat and waited.

What was taking so long, he thought frustrated.

So he went down to see what he could see.

He saw them all sobbing and the ale running free.

​Hans turns off the tap which was spilling their drink and shakes his head.

​Hans says:

What’s the matter with you all? Why do you sit here and sob while all the ale floods the floor?

The Bartender sobs.

​The Bartender wipes his eyes and nose on his apron.

​The Bartender recites:

If you and Elsie marry, and you have a little son,

Who fetches ale from the cellar when the jug is done,

And that hatchet falls down and hits him on the head,

Heavens what a fate to be struck down dead!

Hans says:
Stop Sobbing!

​Hans says:

Now wait a minute, you are silly. No boy has died. A hatchet can’t fall on a son you haven’t got. Especially if I move the hatchet to a safer spot.

​Hans chuckles.

​Hans says:

Do you call that clever? All three of you are daft! You are three big sillies with ale on the floor. Now about that wedding, I want to run out the door.

Hans says:

However, I will tell you my views on the topic. I don’t want to wed the biggest silly in the land. So I’ll set out on my horse and I’ll search first-hand. If I find three sillies even sillier than you, I will hurry right back and I’ll say I do!

​Hans says:

With a rose in hand, I will bond Elsie on the spot!

​The Stage Hand drags the curtain closed. After a few rois you see the Stage Hand pulling the curtain open again.

​The Stage Hand says:

What a bunch of silly people!

The Stage Hand slinks off the stage.

The Narrator chants:
So Hans rode away, a bachelor yet.

He left the three in the cellar where the floor was all wet.

The bartender and his family were left there to wait,

To see what would happen and to learn Elsie’s fate.

The Narrator chants:

Hans rode along for many a day,

Til he came to a cottage with a roof of hay.

The windows were washed and the porch was mopped.

Next to the house a ladder was propped.

The Narrator chants:

He saw an old woman pushing on a cow,

Trying to move it up the ladder somehow.

She pushed and strained and gave it a nudge.

No matter what she did the cow would not budge.

Hans says:
What in the world are you trying to do?

The Old Woman looks ancient and rubs her aching back as she gazes at the cow and then over to Hans.

​The Old Woman recites:

There is hay on my roof for the cow to eat.

I thought it would be a tasty treat!

She won’t climb up to even try,

So she sits there starving and wondering why.

Hans laughs.

Hans says:

Old woman, there is an easier way. Go up there yourself and throw down the hay! Making a cow climb a ladder is just plain crazy. You are a big silly!

Hans shakes his head at the Old Woman.

​The Stage Hand runs onto stage and tries to herd the cow off the stage as she chases it with the ladder.

​The Stage Hand pants.

​The Stage Hand drags out a tree with a pair of pants hanging off the branches before she scurries back off the stage.

​The Narrator chants:
Chuckling to himself at her sad display,

Hans hopped back on his horse and rode away.

He had one silly, all he needed was two more.

He wondered what his journey would have in store.

The Narrator chants:

As Hans thought about the sillies that he had met,

He came across a man being sillier yet.

Hans rode by a tree and it made him frown,

On a branch he saw a pair of pants hang down.

The Narrator chants:

The man stood in his underwear, much to his chagrin,

Running to the pants and trying to jump in.

He ran and he jumped and he stumbled and he missed.

He tried several times, and he shook his fist.

The Man shakes his fist in anger and frustration as his pants hang up on the tree.

The Man sighs.

​The Man recites:

Putting on pants is so tiring and hard,

I have to run around half naked in the yard.

Help me kind sir. Don’t look at me that way.

Please help me solve this problem without delay.

Hans demonstrates how to put on his pants one leg at a time.

Hans says:

I just put them on one leg at a time.

Hans chuckles, then laughs and shakes his head.

Hans says:

Hanging pants in a tree and trying to jump in is just plain dumb! You are crazy man.

The Narrator chants:
So Hans jumped back on his horse,

His path was clear, he wouldn’t change his course.

He wondered what other sights he might behold,

As he rode off down the winding road.

Hans says:
One silly woman, and one crazy man, makes two crazy people. I only need one more to go back to the girl with ale on the floor.

The Stage Hand shakes her head and rolls her eyes as she grabs the tree and drags it off stage.

​The Stage Hand comes back on stage dragging a fake lake and placing it in the center of the stage.

​The Stage Hand says:

Really? Why a lake? Why not a pond or even the sea? My poor back! I think it will break!

​The Stage Hand rubs her back as she hobbles off the stage.

​The Narrator chants:
Later that night when Hans took a break,

He met some moon mages yelling and screaming around a lake.

They each had tools that they swung as they frowned.

They were frantically splashing and running all around.

Hans says:
What in the realms are you doing? You’re acting like clowns.

​Hans says:

Did you not know it is not safe to run around with shovels and pickaxes? What is happening, did someone drown?

The Moon Mage panics.

The Moon Mage recites:

Katamba has fallen in!

Don’t stand there and smirk!

We must save the moon,

So we can use it for our work!

​The Moon Mage waves her shovel around trying to drag the moon out of the lake.

The Moon Mage recites:

on’t you want to help us?

Our hands are blistered and shoulders ache.

Don’t make a fuss,

Just grab that rake!

Hans chuckles, then laughs, then shakes his head.

Hans rolls around in hysterics.

​Hans says:

Rescuing reflections is just stupid. Are you really that dumb? You are loony moonies! I do not need any more. I will go back since I kept score.

​The Narrator chants:
Hans rode back to the bar with a rose in hand,

To propose to Elsie just as he planned.

​The Stage Hand drags off the lake as she mutters something about her poor back.

The Stage Hand closes the curtain. There is a thud and the scraping of wood before the curtain reopens. The Bartender, his Wife, and Elsie are all sitting sobbing at the bar.

Elsie sniffles.

​Hans says:
It is true, there are many more people who are crazier than you. Comparing you to them, you are as clever as the wind.

Hans pulls Elsie close and hugs her tight.

Hans kisses the rose in his hand and gives it to Elsie.

Elsie takes the rose that Hans offered and kisses it.

Elsie snuggles with Hans.

The Narrator chants:

So Hans and Elsie bonded, and they had a little son,

Who fetched the ale from the cellar when the jug was done.

Hans moved the hatchet somewhere safe instead,

So it did not fall and hit his son on the head.

The Narrator chants:

They lived in the bar quite happily,

Though Hans knew his wife was a little silly.

Elsie always knew just what to do,

And he realized that she was clever too.

​The Narrator chants:

They took over the tavern and made lots of gold,

And still live there today or so I’m told.

Morning and night were filled with drinks and laughter,

So Hans and Elsie lived happily ever after.