Cast of Characters:

STAGE HAND
THE IMMORTAL BARD
HAMETTA
OREO
JENNETA
HOILIO

The Stage Hand recites:
Ladies and gentlemen, The Tavern Troupe Performing Order presents “The Immortal Bard”.

The Stage Hand gestures at The Immortal Bard.

The Bard sings:
What a prickly monster
Love in this day and age can be
Lovers can so easily get lost
Searching for what makes them happy.

Take up the sword of improbability
You must learn how to survive
Slay the dragon and take the plunge
And maybe you’ll stay alive.

Hametta and Oreo wander in fawning over each other.

Hametta leans on Oreo.

The Bard sings:
Now see the wond’rous couple o’er there
Oreo and Hametta are their names
Their search has been onward for some time now
And yet still they are playing their games.

The Immortal Bard rolls her eyes.

Hametta snuggles Oreo:

Oreo sings:
I cannot abide the night without you
My dearest Hametta, we must now leave
Out there in the world there is a freer land
But our time is so short, we must go this eve

Oreo kisses Hametta.

Hametta gazes at Oreo in longing.

The Bard waves her hand just as Oreo finishes his first stanza, causing the couple to pause and attempt to stand motionless as she looks out towards the audience with a twinkle in her eyes.

The Bard says:
Please bear with me a moment while I introduce our delightful cast of characters.

The Bard recites:
Ever passionate Oreo, his love for Hametta is only surpassed by his obsession with death and his need to avenge his father.

The Bard points at Oreo.

The Bard waves her hand again, freeing the actors to continue with their performance.

Hametta sings:
In my father’s bosom, I have lived for all my life
Oh Oreo, for much longer I know I cannot abide
But you speak so of life and death so constantly
To be without you, I would surely have died.

The Bard grins impishly as she waves her hand again, right as Oreo opens his mouth to sing. Winking at the disgruntled actor, she turns back towards the audience.

The Bard recites:
The vapid yet beauteous Hametta, her love overshadows all common sense, especially when it comes to breaking from her father’s will that she marry another.

The Bard points at Hametta.

The Bard turns back towards the audience and starts to raise her hand, causing Oreo to inhale deeply in preparation.

The Bard pauses, humming a mischievous tune, she waits until he almost bursts before waving her hand to continue the action.

Oreo grimaces at the Bard before he focuses on the fair Hametta and continues to sing.

Oreo sings:
Ah, to die, to dream no more, my love
But what dreams would come, I don’t know
But first I must fix what has gone undone
A family blight that must reap what he did sow.

The Bard winks at Oreo.

Hametta sings along with Oreo.
Live or die, we must be gone tonight
End this torturous life we live and forever be one
Stealth, stealth must be with us to make it work
And secret too to make our final run

Oreo gazes longingly at Hametta.

Oreo recites:
Ho there, here comes that handsome young boy, Jennero!

Jennetta, disguised as Jennero, wanders in, glances at the crowd and straightens her fake mustache before turning to the fawning couple.

Jennetta sings:
What I see here is a cooperative
Of the esoteric nocturnal sort
What manner of collective
Do you have to report?

The Bard faces the audience with a mischievous grin and waves her arm, a bit distracted at the actors behind her, not noticing how they struggle to stop moving and be still as she speaks.

The Bard recites:
The devious Jennetta, besotted with Hametta’s fiance, the gallant Hoilio. She is determined to have him at any cost, shall we see just how far she will go?

The Bard hums coyly.

The Bard turns back to look at the nefarious crossdresser and gestures negligently, allowing the play to continue.

Jennetta, disguised as Jennero, blinks at Hametta.

Oreo smiles at Jennero and tells vaguely of their plan, thinking Jennero is no more of a harmless boy.

Oreo sings:
Let us now go on our ways
To prepare for this wondrous night
Whether we go to freedom or hades
Tis this evening that two lovebirds take flight!

(Oreo and Jennetta hide)

Jennetta, disguised as Jennero, smiles thinly at the couple as they wander off to further their plot.

Jennetta sings harshly:
As a woman no one gives me their time
And my womanly charms do not enter their thoughts
So to see my ends, a villain I must become
Two faces, fisted heart who must foil all the plots

Jennetta sings lovingly:
Commander Hoilio, that kind and gentle soul
What would become of him if he lost his one and only?
What horror to lose a loved one in such a way
I imagine he will be so very lonely.

Jennetta ponders and pulls the mustache from her face sadly.

Jennetta sings wistfully:
How does such a blind eye get turned?
And the heartstrings pulled toward such a thing
To Hametta they seem all drawn
Puppets to her whims, made to sing

Jennetta sings firmly:
His time or attentions, he shall not give,
Saemaus has said, I shall have my say
If sweet mysteries of manhood show me
I shall have him another way

Jennetta readjusts her mustache and wanders off to find Commander Hoilio.

Jennetta sneezes.

Jennetta blushes.

The Bard ponders.

The Bard sings:
The earth shakes of hunger, the night falls near
Thus the prickly monster has risen and smelled its prey
Soon Hoilio will be searching for his Hametta dear
I dare not want to be Oreo at the end of this day.

The Bard walks over to a shrubbery set up on the edge of the stage and peeks over at the Commander’s tent.

The Bard shakes her head.

The Bard sings:
What is it about love, the emotion sublime
That makes some people lose all of their sense?
I swear that these ‘lovebirds’ with the stars in their eyes
Their minds have become ever so dense!

The Bard rolls her eyes.

The Bard looks over at Commander Hoilio as he greets the young Jennerro, with a friendly slap on the shoulder that speaks of long association.

The Bard recites:
Ah… our upstanding citizen, Hoilio. Betrothed to the fair Hametta, his only goal is to see her forever by his side, not quite comprehending that she might not feel the same.

Jennetta, disguised as Jennero, sidles up to Hoilio, standing up on her tiptoes to sing quietly into his ear, glancing right and left and subtly showing that she has something sordid to say.

Hoilio looks up as “Jennero” approaches.

Jennetta sings sweetly:
Oh did you hear of two who would flee
To freedom, or if not, to the grave?
Tis a sordid plan, but one you should see
For one of the two you would save.

Jennetta sings:
Hametta would rather with Oreo die
Than share in Hoilio’s hard bed
In life or death with Oreo she’ll lie
Not with you, for she’d rather be dead!

Jennetta sings tenderly:
But fear not, I have heard of another who would be there
To replace one who stole your heart with misdeeds
Tis the fairest Jennetta, who once gave herself to you
Could she not tend you in your time of need?

Hoilio blinks.

Jennetta, disguised as Jennero, winks at Hoilio knowingly.

Hoilio frowns.

Hoilio grumpily says:
Tis a falsity, I’ve never had a thing with Jennetta, and I never will.

Hoilio sings lovingly:
So sweet and pure; Is the clover where I stand
Does reek like manure; Next to her perfumed hand.

Jennetta, disguised as Jennero, swoons silently at Hoilio’s angelic voice.

Hoilio sings lovingly:
The sun brings the day
And glory uncompared
Yet darker is the day
When she’s not there.

Hoilio closes his eyes, engrossed in his singing, barely noticing Jennero leaning close to him.

Hoilio sings lovingly:
I have wooed my lady fair
And paid good money to her father
My right to wed her I now declare
Deep in my heart she is no bother.

Hoilio sings tenderly:
I will show that she will love me
And in my bed she’ll soon be my treasure
We will soon be together and then she will see
How I can give a woman pleasure…

The Bard coughs.

The Bard coughs again.

Cough

Hoilio opens his eyes and sees Jennero leaning in for a kiss. He looks around embarrassed and puts the boy quickly at arm’s reach.

Hoilio sings cautiously:
Oh my, dear boy, this is not the place
Do you think that with a boy I would lie?
With a kiss you try to get my grace
I’m not gay but… well… maybe I’m bi!

Jennetta shrugs.

The Bard gazes at the odd couple with an extremely amused expression on her face.

The Bard turns a sickeningly sweet smile to the audience.

The Bard sings:
The commander seems easy to deceive
As the lady in disguise attempts to coerce
The air is laden thick this eve
The pungent, distinctive smell of farce.

Jennetta sniffs.

Hoilio sniffs.

The Bard exclaims:
It was a metaphor, guys. Get over it!

Jennetta gazes at the Bard.

The Bard says:
Sheesh!

Hoilio gazes at the Bard thoughtfully.

Hoilio and Jennetta, disguised as Jennero, wander off to find the vagrant couple.

The Bard walks slowly as the scenery changes around her. Trees and shrubbery roll across the stage on wheels, going past her at high speed.

The Bard walks in place, making it seem like she is moving through the countryside at a good pace. Finally the Bard and scenery come to a rest.

The Bard looks over her shoulder as a curly head happens to peek from behind a bush. The bush shakes momentarily as the stagehand ducks quickly behind her scenery again.

The Bard says:
Gosh, you can’t get good help anywhere nowadays…

The Bard sighs.

The Bard chuckles softly, faces the audience and gives you a wink.

The Bard smiles and turns slowly around surveying the area. She finds herself in a pastoral setting, off under a nearby tree sit Hametta and Oreo.

Hametta gazes longingly at Oreo while he twirls a dagger between his fingers, a maniacal look upon his face as he sings of his revenge.

Oreo sings darkly:
He sought to take his place
When my father’s life he did end
But I can’t wait to see his face
When his death he sees I send.

Oreo poses heroically.

Oreo sings darkly:
A poisoned dagger brings his fate
The snake that would be king
Mother’s life he will not mate
For it’s his grisly death I bring!

Hametta gently places her hand on Oreo’s arm and smiles softly.

Hametta sings cautiously:
This constant talk of hate and revenge
I’ve begun to gravely fear
For it is word of our future together
That I so long to hear.

Hametta gazes at Oreo fondly.

Jennetta, disguised as Jennero, pulls Hoilio after her as she sneaks closer towards the couple as they quietly converse under the tree.

Jennetta sings mockingly:
Does she not now look weak
Simpering as her beloved stalls
Soft now and listen as they speak
Their soft and loving bardic call.

Oreo kisses Hametta softly on the lips.

Hoilio jumps at Oreo and draws his sword, posing dramatically, looking rather like a peacock in uniform.

Hoilio raises his sword.

Hoilio sings confidently:
Her father consented to give me her hand
She is therefore mine by right
Now stand and face me like a man
I will put an end to your flight!

Oreo quickly draws his weapon and furiously lunges at Hoilio.

Hoilio parries the lunge with ease and follows with several well placed slashes.

Oreo dodges and feints awkwardly, clearly outmaneuvered by the more experienced Hoilio.

Oreo glares at Hoilio and declares loudly, despite being out of breath.

Oreo sings firmly:
You cannot come between us
Nor will she be your wife
I shall prove my love is greater
Though I pay with my own life!

Hoilio, in a particularly deft move, knocks the weapon from Oreo’s hand and sends him tumbling to the ground.

Hametta sings:
Have mercy Commander,
And stay your hand
Do not slay my beloved,
Or worse leave him unmanned!

Oreo ‘s eyes suddenly widen and he quickly scrambles backward while trying to cross his legs.

Hametta raises a hand to her forehead, and with eyes fluttering sinks to the ground in a suspiciously graceful swoon.

The Bard winces.

Oreo rushes with Hoilio to Hametta when she faints. Oreo grabs her by the arms, Hoilio by her legs, and they each attempt to leave in opposite directions.

Jennetta, disguised as Jennero, rolls her eyes as both men look to Hametta to make sure she’s ok.

Jennetta mutters something about melodramatic tarts.

Hoilio sings firmly:
Unhand her, fiend!
Will you not concede?
Do not tempt my anger
Or you shall surely bleed!

Oreo sings loudly:
Your threats are as empty
As your pitiful claim
It is me that she loves,
And she shall take my name!

Hoilio and Oreo continue to struggle, nearly pulling Hametta in two, when Jennetta finally has enough and snaps.

Jennetta, disguised as Jennero, turns to Hoilio, hands on her hips and a look of utter frustration on her face.

Jennetta sings rancidly:
What mockery is this?
Would you take just her feet?
Can you prefer half a woman
While I stand here complete?

Hoilio blinks at Jennero in complete puzzlement, unable to make sense of what he’s said.

Jennetta rips off her mustache and glares at the others.

Jennetta sings quietly:
Enough is enough!
I’ve endured all I can!
In one stroke I’ll redeem
My failed secret plan!

Jennetta grabs Oreo’s discarded weapon and rushes awkwardly toward Hametta with it wobbling above her head, a crazed look flashing in her eye.

Oreo and Hoilio both fling themselves in front of Jennetta, dropping Hametta in the process with a loud thump.

The Bard snaps her fingers, and the actors freeze in place before things can get too out of hand.

The Bard mutters something about young love.

The Bard snorts.

The Bard sings:
I see that again it has fallen to me
To guide these young lovers on their course
It will take a miracle to set things aright
I must use a small measure of force.

The Bard produces a bottle of Sweetwater that was hidden on her person and gazes quietly at it with a wistful smile.

The Bard waggles her brows at the audience.

The Bard sings:
Oh blessed Sweetwater, most magical elixir
Your power no mortal can resist
If I have my way – and I always do
This arguing will not persist.

The Bard turns to the other actors and sings to them.

The Bard sings:
Misguided young lovers, by your passions made bold
I fear that you’ve gone much too far
With this potion I seek to mend all the wrongs
Though the effect may be somewhat bizarre…

The Bard hums romantically.

The Bard steps around Hametta, on the ground, and over to Jennetta. With a wink, she rubs the bottle on her hand, which is now trembling from holding the sabre overhead for so long.

The Bard moves over to Hoilio tweaks his nose, forcing his mouth open, and proceeds to pour the contents of the bottle down his throat…seemingly unperturbed by the fact that a good portion of the liquid is spilling from his mouth and staining his uniform.

Hoilio’s nostrils flare in irritation as he struggles to swallow.

Hoilio gulps.

The Bard, with a look of supreme satisfaction on her face, turns to the audience and speaks.

The Bard says:
I’m not just a bard, you know. I’ve got a vestment as well.

The Bard smiles and shows her “Clerics ‘R’ Us” order badge.

The Bard hums innocently.

The Bard snaps her fingers one last time, and sets the actors back into motion.

Hoilio blinks once in confusion, gazes at Jennetta with a strange wondrous look in his eyes, then promptly sweeps Jennetta into his arms and begins to profess his undying love.

Hametta kisses Oreo.

Hoilio sheathes his weapon.

Hoilio pulls Jennetta towards him.

Hoilio kisses Jennetta.

Oreo kisses Hametta.

Hametta looks a bit weak in the knees and begins to wobble.

Jennetta winks at Hoilio.

The Bard sings sweetly:
If we should offend sensibilities, hear my plea
Of bardic following am I, as are all of we
Dabbler of many, master of none, they say
Our art is our path and only way.

Oreo gazes at Hametta longingly.

Hametta flirts with Oreo.

The Bard sings sweetly:
True hearts are more easily found than caught
Frustration of your search makes it feel its all for naught
But when two hearts collide, there is no finer notion
Whether it be love at first sight, or Sweetwater potion!

Jennetta snuggles with Hoilio.

The Bard sings:
And though we might annoy some and make irate.
Give a thought to the season we celebrate
And when I have finished with this fair song
I ask only this, ‘Can’t we all just get along?’

Oreo says:
No!

Hametta says:
No!

Hoilio says:
No!

Jennetta shouts:
NO!

Hametta blows a kiss at Oreo.

The Bard says:
Sheesh!

The Bard shrugs and walks off stage. Her work here is done.

The Stage Hand steps out from behind a set piece and mops her brow. Turning to face you she grins widely and salutes to the audience.